Ghost of You
by Angel in the Shadows36
Summary: It's Suze's senior year, she's nearing her 18th birthday, her and Jesse's first year anniversary is approaching, and she's perfectly in love with him. Her life can only get better, right? Wrong.
1. Chapter 1

Hey all this is my very first FanFic ever, so please bear with me. I know where I want to take this story, I just don't know how long it'll take me to get there. I got the title from a song by Good Charlotte called Ghost of You and I liked the lyrincs, so it kinda inspired this fanfic. I may or may not use the title in later chapters don't know.

I do use two verses from two different songs later on in the story, one is The Reason by Hoobastank, and the other Volverte a Ver by Juanes

This stories going to have alternating POV's, so just so you all know, _Italics_ represent Paul'sPOV and **Bold **represents Jesse's POV

Disclaimer: I, unfortunately do not own the fantastic characters of Suze, Paul, or Jesse. Maybe someday, they will be mine, but for now they are Meg Cabot's fabulous creations.

So, without further ado, this is my first FanFic. R&R (kindly, please! lol, j/k) Either way, any reviews will be helpful. Tell me if you hate it or like it.

Thanks,

Kim

When I'd first seen Jesse, he'd been a ghost. I'd come into my new room in my new house, in a new state, and found a ghost sitting casually at my new window seat. He'd sat there, totally oblivious to the fact that I could see him, and he probably wasn't expecting my reaction either, because by the looks of it, he'd been hanging around for quite a while. He looked like a genuine straight out of the movies cowboy. It made me wonder how old he really was-physically he couldn't have been older than 20, but spiritually, this was an open ended question. There was no way to know.

Turns out he'd been around for 130 some years, 150 something including his age, so yeah, he had every right to be shocked that after all that time, someone could see him. Normally, my first instinct is to get rid of ghosts as soon as possible, even more so if they're going to be sharing a room with me-not that that's ever happened before.

But I couldn't get rid of Jesse so quickly. So what if he annoyed me slightly when I first met him that day? His hotness totally made up for it. And he proved to be a useful ally time and time again-or else I'd surely be just as dead as he'd once been.

Now, two years later, defying anything that makes sense he's alive. It's crazy, it really is. I'd been so sure I'd lost him that night in the hospital, but then his soul had transferred right into his body that'd been brought through time, and POOF! Just like that, he was alive. Crazy, I'm tellin' ya, pure craziness.

Not only that, but he's very much still in love with me, as I am with him. I mean, how many girls would go back 130 years or so in time to rescue their boyfriend who isn't even alive? Like none, that's how many.

It's been eleven months since then, and we're nearing our first year anniversary and his revival, though all our friends just think it's our anniversary, nothing else. Oh, if only they knew. Father D. was totally helpful when Jesse showed up. Once we explained everything to him, the old man set out to get Jesse legal documentation. Even though Jesse was really 20-should be 21 now- four years older than me, we agreed, so my parents wouldn't freak that he'd have to regress in age, and therefore be 19, two years older than me. This seemed to satisfy everyone, so Father Dominic got Jesse de Silva-dropping the name Hector-his birth certificate, which stated he was born on March 24, 1985. That was his actual birth date minus a couple hundred years.

Apparently Father Dom had some big connections because in a matter of only two months, he'd gotten Jesse enrolled at the nearby community college, gotten him a job at the Carmel Historical Society, another job at a retail store, a car, and a place to live. Just like that.

Jesse was on his way o being a 21st century man still held back by his old-fashioned 1830 style.

So you can imagine, I'd be a little happy bunny if my boyfriend-the most gorgeous man ever, not to mention the best- and I were close to celebrating our first year anniversary after such a bumpy start. Sometimes it's all too surreal, like I'm going to wake up and find him setting at my window seat yet again, a spectral glow surrounding his handsome profile. But I haven't woken up yet, so maybe, just maybe this is real, and not some mean trick my consciousness is playing on me.

After having the shittiest year of my life, I was majorly relieved that my 17th year beat out my 16th. In my 16th year, I'd been forced to move from one side of the country to the other, gained three step-brothers and one step-dad, got stalked by a crazed shifter who loved me, and oh yeah, fell in love with a ghost. But all of these events led to the happiness that filled the year that followed. Had I still been in New York, I'd never have met Jesse, still probably wouldn't be kissed, and I wouldn't have the great friends that I have now. Gina had been the only good thing in pre-California existence. And my mom.

So yeah, my life's pretty much perfect, and I for once can say that I am truly happy, I Susannah Simon, happy and in love for the first time ever. Ever.

_My eyes had been following her since she'd exited from her last hour class. I was at the parking lot, since my teacher had released our class a few minutes early, claiming he had a doctor's appointment or something. So, naturally I'd waited for the halls to fill with kids, only to spot Suze coming from her class, Spanish, which she'd started this year. _

_When she finally reached the parking lot, I called out to her, hoping she'd accept my offer for a ride home. Every moment spent with her is like a moment spent in heaven, and God knows I won't ever go there once I depart this meaningless half-life I've lived since coming back from 1830._

"Suze!" My head turned to the sound of that ever-so familiar voice. There he was, leaning against his shiny black BMW with his arms crossed over his chest, "You need a ride?" I took one look at the parked Land Rover and walked instead to the direction of the BMW.

Now, why would I be going willingly to ex-stalker's BMW? Because he's actually one of my good friends now. Yep, you saw that right. Blink all you want, it's true, and that statement probably won't change unless he goes back to his old ways, which seriously doubt. "Yeah, thanks Paul."

Once he'd seen me go in the directions of his car, he'd climbed in, waiting for me to join him at the passenger seat. As was my custom, as soon as his annoying hip-hop music blared through the speakers, I lowered the volume turning off the CD player and tuning to my favorite station, set to preset 6. "I don't know how you can stand that crap." Soon the car was filled with the sounds of the Offspring and their latest single.

_She accepted my offer, thank goodness. As usual, she changed the radio as soon as it blasted on. I never let any other girls change my radio, I like to be in control of it, but Suze, no she's different. She's not just any other girl, she's Suze. The most beautiful thing to walk this earth. _

_I know I've told her a million times that our relationship is solely platonic; I say it more to convince myself. To make myself believe that I don't want her in some other way when all I want to do is kiss her. _

_But she's got Jesse, and she'll never consider me. So, for now, being her friend will have to do, even if it is eating me up on the insides._

"You'll learn to love it." I rolled my eyes. Yeah right. Paul gave me enough rides that he'd let me set his last station to my favorite, 95.7 KDBY (A/N: Totally made up), a rock station. He didn't really mind, he liked whatever.

"Yeah, and then pigs'll fly."

"You never know, Susie, it could happen." He flashed me his famous Slater smile, and I tried ignoring the Susie comment. He knew I didn't like it. Jerk.

People at school were convinced that we hated each other's guts yet, they also thought that we hook up regularly for nights of purely passionate unadulterated sex; something which Dopey made a point of asking every time Paul came to drop me off after dealing with the latest ghost and saw me getting out of his car. I guess that rumor started from people seeing Paul slam me against walls when I still hated him and kissing me fiercely at school.

The whole we still hate each other thing-well, we haven't improved that situation much. We've made a game of just throwing random arguments at school-plenty of screaming and hitting on my part, creating a whole dramatic ordeal.

Even Father D's convinced we can't get along. Every time ghost related issues come up, he calls us separately. It's quite amusing really. Cee Cee and Adam know the half truth-they know we get along, but are still dubious about it. Whatever, we like to have our little fun, though it is getting old-but the looks on our fellow classmate's faces: priceless, makes it worth it every time.

"Paul, what happened?" He looked up at me, confused, turning to look back at the road. "I mean, we couldn't be in the same room together last year, much less in the same car without me wanting to rip out your throat."

_How do you tell the girl that you love that you've changed for her sake? That you'd give anything to be by her side? I've always hated those Goddamn awful love songs. I thought they were a load of bull, until the day Suze Simon walked into my life._

_**I've found a reason for me,**_

_**To change who I used to be,**_

_**A reason to start over new,**_

_**And the reason is you. **_

_And now I hate that song more than I can ever imagine, because it's true. I'd change everything about to me if Suze would accept me somehow else. _

"I changed, that's all, Suze. I gave up trying to seduce once de Silva came back. There's no way I was going to get you after that." There was a pained look in his eyes, softening the regular intensity set in them. Maybe he really had loved me, not just been pursuing me so he could fulfill his lustrous desires. If it had been out of pure lust, then he surely wouldn't have bothered to become my friend, that's for sure. My lips rose into a sympathetic smile, followed by a nod of my head.

We'd reached my house by this point and he pulled over by the curb. "Thanks, Paul. You want to come in? Get a drink or something?" His eyes strayed from my face to the black Ford truck on our driveway: Jesse's truck, then back to me.

_We reached her house, and Jesse's truck was there. It was a like a stab to the heart. Knowing that she loves him and doesn't love me. She loved him when he was a no one, and she loves him still, now that he's some one._

_Despite our differences, Jesse has actually proven to be a good friend. We got over our issues of the previous year, and he's actually an okay guy. We're bordering the space between becoming just plain friends, and best friends. He really is a good guy. I'm also trying to learn from him, learn what it is about him that makes Suze go crazy. I need to know. She needs to be mine. And someday, she will. _

"Sure, that'd be nice." Pulling the key out of the ignition, he climbed out, following me to the front door. From my spot on the lawn, I could see Jesse sitting at my window seat. Reading.

A smile spread to my lips as I looked up at the familiar sight, which despite how long it's been, isn't so familiar without that glow emanating from his body.

Unlocking the front door, I stepped in. "Mom, I'm home." I clambered through to the living room where I knew she'd be lying on the couch, reading probably. She peeked up from her book and smiled her gorgeous smile, which Jesse often points out I inherited. "I brought Paul over too, if you don't mind. Well, he brought me but I invited him, you know to offer him a drink and-"

"Susie, sweetie. It's okay." She smiled again chuckling. Was it just me, or was she radiating beautifully today? They say pregnancy can do that. In four months time, I'll be a big sister for the first time ever to a baby brother or sister. I'm hoping it'll be a girl, but I'll be happy either way. "Hello Paul." She said warmly.

Paul nodded curtly, "Mrs. Ackerman, how are you doing?"

"Fine, thank you. Now, you kids behave okay?" We started for the kitchen, when my mom called out, "Susie, I let Jesse up to your room, hoe you don't mind." As if I ever would.

Fully stocked with chips and sodas, we finally made it to my room. Jesse, finding a good spot to stop at in his book, looked up at me smiled then resumed. I stood frozen at my door frame. With the sun in the background, Jesse radiated. He was in his favorite spot, in his favorite sitting position at the window seat, reading. Just like he had for the last 130 years of his existence. Only, he didn't have that ghostly glow, which only made my smile broaden.

Jesse finally closed his book and stood up. "Hello, Slater." Then he lashed out at Paul and grabbed his neck, beginning to strangle him.

Kidding!

Would I really let within the same vicinity if I didn't know they could handle themselves? I'm not that stupid.

**When Susannah came home, Paul was following behind her. She told she often brought him over, so they could just 'hang' as she puts it. I'd come over early today, so I could spend some time at the window seat in her bedroom. I've been alive for almost a year now, but I get these yarning to be in her room, as if I'm still connected to it somehow. **

**This room, despite what I want to believe, will always be a part of me. There's no escaping my past. **

**I had also come over to ask her on a date Saturday night, which had helped me set up. I had it all perfectly planned. **

**I'd already asked her mother and step-father for their permission to ask for her hand in marriage. This was about two weeks ago, and I'd been thinking of the best possible place. Finally, I asked Paul for advice, and he said he'd get me reservations to Caramé, the most expensive restaurant in Carmel. He'd obliged, and now I was going to make the date with Susannah. My hand swept my coat pocket, and I could feel the lump of the small velvet box. I hadn't let go of it since the day I'd bought it. **

"Hey Rico," Paul said, using his old nickname for him. Only Jesse didn't flinch or react to it anymore. He'd grown used to it.

_How could I have forgotten? Jesse told me he was going to ask Susannah out for their big date Tuesday afternoon, the day he doesn't have work or school. I don't think I could stand to be in the same room while he asks her out to the date that will officially make her his. Being the good friend that I was, I'd set up his reservations at the restaurant, and arranged for him to sing some song in Spanish to her before he'd pop the question. It was all my fault, dammit. All my fault that he was gong to propose to her in the most romantic way possible. _

"_Suze, I have to leave actually. I've got some things to do that I forgot about." I need to give them their time. I jus can't be here for this. It'll break me. _

"_Alright, I'll see you at school tomorrow, k?" She replied. I nodded and left. Leaving the two alone so they could do whatever they had to do._

**Paul left as soon as recognition dawned on him. It must have slipped his mind, but he remembered that I'd be asking _Mi Querida _to our date in which I would ask for her hand in marriage. Hopefully she would say yes. I was a nervous wreck inside and I'd be devastated if she didn't accept. She just had too. **

**As soon as Slater was out of her room, she grinned seductively at me. Taking those careful steps to cross the distance in the she didn't let her eyes drop from mine at all. Next thing I knew was that she was pushing me down onto her bed. **

Jesse looked shock once I'd knocked him down onto the bed. But there was a hunger in his eyes that told me this was more than okay with him. After all, it'd been like five since I'd last seen him, and I needed to kiss him. To feel his soft lips against mine, reassuring me that he really was here.

I climbed on top of him, straddling him. By this point, his hands had taken a hold of my waist and he lifted his head to meet my lips. I started kissing him, slowly at first, teasing him. But it wasn't too long before I gave in to my urges and deepened the kiss. His mouth was open just enough for me to squeeze my tongue into his mouth, and he welcomed it, massaging it gently with his own. Jesse rolled over and I was beneath him, beneath his toned body. My arms wrapped around his neck, rumpling his hair every now and then. His hands found hem of my shirt and he lifted it slightly, tracing circles around my belly button with his fingertips.

**Susannah brings out a different side of me when I'm with her. I would never be like this with another girl, it just isn't right, regardless of how right my body tells me it is. I love the way her skin feels beneath my fingertips as run them up and down her torso, the way she reacts when I kiss her, the way her body shivers when I kiss her neck. My lips were trailing kisses all along her neck, while her hands roamed my back, pulling me closer to her**

_**Mi querida, no sabes lo que siento por ti, lo que me haces ser. No sabes cuanto te quiero, mi vida, mi amor, mi Querida. Solamente ti. **_

_**Y si no fuera por ti yo no podría vivir  
**_

_**En el vacío de estos días de no saber  
**_

_**Y si no fuera por ti yo no sería feliz**_

**_You don't how much you mean to me, querida; I want you to be mine. To be mine and only mine._**

We'd been kissing for a long time and we finally broke apart. The both of us were taking deep breaths, having become breathless in the middle of our kiss. Jesse looked terribly sexy, but then again, he always did. His eyes were gleaming, looking intently into mine. He'd finally sat up, and I suddenly felt light, not having his weight push me down against the bed. I sat up as well, and his arm wrapped around my waist. He was muttering things to me in Spanish that my limited Spanish did not yet understand. I'd signed up for Spanish this year, knowing that Jesse and I would be together for ever, and I needed to learn it for him. So one day I could understand those strange muttering.

"Susannah, I came here today to ask you if you'd delight me with your presence on a date Saturday night at Restaurant Caramé?" He was grinning as he asked me and he looked so damn cute.

"Jesse, I'd love to go on a date with you Saturday," I loved the way he always asked me out in suck formal ways. He couldn't come out and just say: Wanna go out Saturday? No, he made it sound like some big ordeal. It's cute. And sweet.

"Perfect." And his lips met mine yet again. "I'll be busy all week, Susannah. So I will not have a chance to visit you again for the remainder of the week. I'll pick you up at seven, ok?" He kissed me one last time and finally left, saying he had things to do.

Little did I know that would be the last time I'd be with him.

In an unknowing moment, my perfect life was destroyed.


	2. Chapter 2

This is chapter two of my fan fic.

The rating will be going up in this chater because of the language. Somehow, Suze seems to be the type of girl that would curse, so yeah

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Jesse, Suze, Paul, or any other familiar characters. They all belong to Meg C

Some feedback would be nice, but for now, enjoy the story

888

That morning following the afternoon Jesse had asked me out, I woke with a sinking feeling in my stomach. It felt as if something terrible had happened or would be happening. I've gotten the stomachaches before, and normally something bad usually follows. Like when my dad died, I'd had this terrible stomachache soon after he'd left, and before my mom told me about moving out to California, all day I'd been suffering this stomachache. It's like a sixth sense-or wait, would that be seventh? I already see dead people.

So yeah, when I woke up with this stomach ache, it totally ruined whatever good mood I would have been in with out the knotting in stomach. I didn't bother spending much time on my outfit for today, or make-up or hair. After picking out some fade-out denim jeans with holes at the knees, I grabbed my pink "How Are Things on Planet You WISH?" t-shirt, paired with pink ballet flats and a silver track jacket. Sweeping on some black eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss, I was ready.

With 20 minutes to spare. How'd that happen? I always have to run out the house to make sure Brad won't leave me. Unlike Jake, he wasn't nearly as patient with me, and if I was running late, he'd leave. The dick.

"What're you doing being ready so early?" He asked me after guzzling out some O.J. straight from the carton. Um, eww, much. "You do realize there's still like twenty minutes, right?"

"Shut up, I'm not in the mood right now." He took another drink from the carton. "Can't you ever use a God damn cup, damn it?" I took the carton from his hands and grabbed a cup pouring the juice in it for him. Not that'd I'd be drinking from this carton of juice anymore or anything.

"God, PMS, much Suze. Chill." I groaned, taking a seat at the counter and holding my face in my hands. Maybe I was PMSing, it'd be great if this were all. But deep down, I knew it couldn't be PMS, I'd just had my period about two weeks ago. Not that you need to know that.

God, why am I thinking about my damn period? Gah, don't, Suze.

As I was wondering why the hell I was thinking about me period, Andy walked cheerily joined me and Brad at the kitchen… humming. I kid you not, he was humming. I groaned again. "Morning, Suze. Normally don't see you down here in the morning. Would you like anything for breakfast?"

"No thanks."

"You've got to eat something. Here, I'll make you a bagel." And before I had a chance to protest he was popping a bagel in to the toaster.

"Alright then, thanks. I guess." Before I knew it, a bagel on plate appeared in front of me, one half covered in cream cheese, the other with jam. "Thanks, Andy." I still couldn't call him dad. It was too hard. My step-brothers have all gotten used to calling mom mom, but not me, Andy's still Andy, not my dad.

I picked my bagel up to take in one bite. Well, more like a nibble. My bites eventually got bigger, and when I took a bite big enough to actually taste, I actually liked the stupid thing. God, even his _bagels_ taste good. What's up with that? All you have to do is stick the damn things in the toaster, spread some cream cheese and there you are: a bagel.

I really could have used a cup of coffee with that bagel, but Andy had this weird thing about kids and teens drinking coffee, so he always made enough for him and my mom only. Id been addicted to the stuff back in New York, no I was shocked that'd I'd gone pretty much two years without a daily coffee. Gina still can't believe me. Not even when she's visited me and has seen me not drink a daily coffee.

I'd been lost in thought, musing over coffee, when Brad yelled that we'd be leaving. Standing up from where I'd been slumped over for the last twenty minutes, I headed to the front of the house, hunched over, taking long trudging steps.

Arriving at school, I saw Paul waiting for me at the gates, showing off those perfect teeth of his. He looked sexy-yes, I'll admit it, he's hot. So sue me. Anyway, he was leaning against the gated with his arms folded across his chest. I stomped ahead of him, ignoring him as he called my name.

"_Suze! Yo, Simon, hold up!" Suze stomped pass me and I hadn't the slightest idea what could be wrong with her. Had I pissed her off in the last 24 hours? I mentally went over the times I've been with her in the last couple days, and there wasn't a thing I'd done that would piss her off. But then again, she's Susannah Simon; she doesn't need a reason to be pissed at me. It just comes naturally. _

Then he finally caught up to me, grabbing my arm, and turned me to face him.

_Holy fuck! When I finally caught up with her, and turned her to me, she so did not look happy. Again, what have I done that could potentially piss her off? Nothing. Then why the hell's she pissed?_

"Jesus, Simon, you look like shit." One of the novices scowled at him.

_I don't think she liked my comment, her face only twisted up more._

"Yeah? That's great, 'cuz I feel like it too." Like the novice earlier, I scowled at him. Never tell a girl she looks like shit when she already feels like it. It'll make her feel shitttier. And that's just a bunch of shit. So what if I like using the word shit? There's nothing wrong with it. Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit! Ha!

I act weird when I feel like shit. Don't look at me like I'm crazy, you shit head.

"You want to tell me what's going on? Or will I have to force it out of you?" Just when I'd been convinced there were no traces of the old Paul left, he pushed me against the nearest wall in classic Paul fashion

_I didn't want to have to do this. Back her up against the wall, I mean. But there's no other way that she'll tell me what's wrong. It brings back too many old memories, and having her against the wall like this, well I just want to run my hands all over her, I want to feel her lips against mine._

_Slater, control yourself, damn it! She's with Jesse, the ex-dead cowboy, and the nearest thing you've ever had to an actual friend. _

_Then she forcefully pushed me away. It shocked me, yet it shouldn't have. It's her typical reaction. God, she's really pissed at me. She hasn't pushed me away like that with that force in months, and meant it._

"Paul, not now. I'm just not feeling well. So please leave me alone, ok." I stalked off. So I'd pushed Paul away. Big deal, he'll get over it. He's a big boy; he can take care of himself. I just don't want to deal with him, or anyone for that matter. I'm not feeling up to it. Damn this stupid fucking stomachache.

Cee and Adam thank God, didn't come up talking to me. They know better than to bother me when I'm in one of my moods. I can get pretty nasty. So I waited alone until they took attendance and released all the students to homeroom. Where I sat alone again. Paul still looked pained, the big stupid baby. Cee didn't sit near me, and Adam followed her, avoiding me at all costs.

Wasn't it just yesterday I'd thought nothing could bring me down? When I'd been so perfectly happy? God, that all seems like a load of bullshit. A big fat smelly pile of God damn fucking bullshit.

888

Wonders of wonders, Father D. called me into his office a couple minutes before class released for lunch. I was still feeling cranky since this morning, and I really couldn't possibly care about the latest sob story he'd gotten a hold of.

When I walked into his office, slumping into my usual seat across from him, I noticed a concerned look in his eyes. "Hello, Susannah," the old man greeted me, smiling one of those awful force smiles. "How are you today?" Again, with that awful smile.

My shoulders hunched. "Eh, I could be better." I frowned, emphasizing that I'm not feeling all that great. "So, what's up, Father Dom?"

That look returned to his eyes. Folding his hands together on his desk, he opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it, probably rethinking what he was going to tell me. "I-I… well, I-" god, what is it? He's hesitating to tell me, it must be pretty serious. "-Susannah, please don't be upset when I tell you this, but-" what the hell, just tell me already, "-I've received a phone call from the hospital, it's about," Oh my God, no! Is it my mom? See, these stomachaches are the bringers of all news bad. Like a hurricane that sweeps by ocean towns destroying everything in its path.

"Is it my mom? Is she ok?" I leaned forward in my chair, closer to the good father.

"Well, no Susannah, it's," I noticed that he was fiddling with the pack of cigarettes he keeps in his desk. "It's Jesse, Susannah." Nooooooooooooooo! "He seems to have fallen into a coma." He finally said it. But I wish he hadn't. This can't be happening, it just can't! Jesse means everything to me! What if he never wakes up? Oh my god. My whole body started trembling and I felt my eyes moisten.

"He-he….. he's in a coma?" No, he won the jackpot! God, Suze, dumb question, he just said that Jesse's in a coma.

He nodded, "I'm afraid so, Susannah. They don't know what induced it yet, but someone found him at the bottom of the staircase from his apartment and called 911."

I nodded dumbly; I couldn't accept that Jesse was lying in the hospital, unconscious.

"No. No, it can't be. He was perfectly fine yesterday when he left my house. They must have him confused with someone else. It can't be my Jesse. My Jesse's fine. I'll prove it, I'll call him, and he'll answer, and everything will be fine. It's all just one big misunderstanding." I'd been shaking my head all the while speaking, while my hand frantically searched through my purse to find my cell phone.

"Susannah, slow down, you're speaking to fast." I half heard father Dominic; I'd already stared dialing in his number, not feeling bothered to search him up on my contacts list. The phone rang 5 times, then His voice: "Hey, this is Jesse, I can't answer you now, but leave a message and I'll get back to you later." Damn! His voice mail. I tried his apartment number this time, and again, I got his answering machine.

I felt a warm trail of something slide down my cheeks, followed by a few more. That's when I realized I was crying, and then, to my utter dismay, I was sobbing in Father D's office. The poor guy, he must be so uncomfortable. He never knows what to do in these situations when I cry me eyes out in his office.

Father D. got up from his seat across the desk and came to my side, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Now, Susannah, there's no need to over react, he could very well wake up by today." Not over react? How can I not? I mean, the love of my life is after all in a coma in the hospital. And it just feels final. As if fate just can't accept the fact that we defied everything to be together at last.

Good ole Father Dom stuck it out through my whole blubber fest, and when I'd contained myself had to release for class would be starting soon. I'd missed all of lunch, but I wasn't hungry. I felt empty on the inside, hollow, and somehow I know I'd end up regurgitating whatever I'd eat. Checking my make-up, I stepped out of his office, holding my head down low, avoiding the worried looks on the secretaries as I passed them.

_I heard Suze get called up to the principal's office. Surprise, surprise there, when doesn't she? I knew she'd be in there her whole lunch hour, so as soon as I finished eating my hot dog and fries, I went to wait outside the principal's office for whenever she came out. _

_Then the door finally opened and I stepped forward to greet her, hoping she'd be in a better mood. "Suze, feeling better…" I dropped my sentence as her head lifted up, and her nose was a deep shade of red, her eyes were swollen, and I could tell her eye make-up was streaked just the slightest bit. She'd been crying. I took her into my arms and held her tightly, rubbing my hand along her shoulder comfortingly. "What happened?" I whispered into her hair._

_She didn't respond for a long time, and every now and then she would sniff her nose. I felt the slightest wet spot in my shirt, but I didn't care. The poor girl was clearly devastated and needed to cry out whatever it is that's on her mind._

Being in Paul's arms was truly comforting, he didn't care that I staining his shirt with my tears, and he just held me till I finally broke away and went to sit at a chair in the waiting area. Paul followed kneeling down in front of me when I sat. I buried my head into my hands, stifling a sob.

Composing myself, somewhat, I looked into his concerned deep blue eyes. "It's Jesse," I whispered.

_Hearing his name, I tensed, with dread and anger. If that son of a bitch did anything to hurt Suze, I'd have to beat him bloody pulp. "Suze what happened? What'd he do?"_

_She shook her head, laughing this unbelieving laugh, "He didn't do anything. He's at the hospital, in a coma."_

_Holy crap, Rico's in a coma? When'd this happen? My hand reached for Suze's knee, where I pulled one of her arms down. "Suze, Look at me. Everything will be fine, ok. Trust me; Rico's not ready to leave you behind in this world. I know he's lying in that bed right now, struggling to wake up again, so he can see your beautiful face again. So he can touch you again, and kiss you, and to see you're pretty smile, so he can…" I cut off my sentence, that's the nearest I've gotten to admitting my true feelings for her. Her gaze drifted towards my eyes questioningly. But she didn't say anything about it, and her eyes drifted else where. _

_But again, everything I said could very will be a lie; I don't know for sure what's happened with him, and who knows, maybe he really will die. Again. Man, that's got to suck big time. I mean, being dead 130 years, come back to life for one year, only to die again? Talk about the shittiest existence ever. Dead at 22, well, 20 since hey he is legally two years younger than his actual age, but I don't think that makes much a difference._

God, I hate crying! I hate all those sympathetic looks that people give you, and they don't know what the hell to do. So, I was thankful when my tears finally subsided. Just like in Father D's office, I checked what I looked like in my compact mirror. I wasn't too satisfied with my appearance. While my make-up had stayed intact thanks to the wonders of water-proof mascara and eyeliner, my whole face looked like a lost cause. Covered with red blotchy spots and puffiness around the eyes, it just didn't look all too appealing, ya know?

It didn't help that I kept rubbing my eyes, while carefully as so not to smudge my make-up. I'm pathetic aren't I? I find out my boyfriends in the hospital, and I still worry about my make up and appearance? Am I really that shallow? God, I hope not, because then I'd be no better than Kelly and her cronies.

Paul was still in kneeling in front of me, his eyes conveying genuine concern. "Thanks, Paul," I said in reference to being so patient while I cried.

"Would you like a ride to the hospital after school?" Nodding, I stood up and started heading back out, as students filed into their classes.

"Yeah. I really want to see him." We walked away, his arm draped around my shoulders and me leaning against him. Somehow, I felt like nothing could harm me with him holding me like that. I have this weird feeling in my stomach, being in Paul's hold like that, but it feels kind of good, too.

Strolling into our 6th period class like together must've looked pretty odd to our classmates, based on the fact they're convinced we hate each other, yet we stroll in looking pretty comfy, and my eyes puffed out beyond belief, trying to beat our Rudolf with a redder nose; if the looks we got is any suggestion.

We went to our seats in the fourth row, where we're destined to sit next to each other forever due to our last name's alphabetical position: Simon, Slater. Walking down the rows to my seat, I received one quizzical look from Adam, and Cee had already sprawled a note that she handed me as I took my seat. She too sat in the back, one row away.

Cee: What's goin' on? You're eyes are mega red, and WTF? Paul Slater had his arm around your shoulders?

Me: Cee, I'll explain later. There's too much going on right now. And it sucks.

I handed the note back to Cee and she didn't question me further, though did look worried. Poor her, she's my best friend yet I always leave her out of things, and never fully explain the whole truth. What can I do? My life's just one big freak accident after another.

The next hour and twenty minutes ticked by one gut wrenching, spine tingling second after another, each tick getting longer and longer as they passed by. I couldn't focus in Spanish, my last class at all. Everything the teacher said reminded me about Jesse, even if it didn't pertain to Jesse at all. I'm taking this class for him, so we can one day have a family, and we'll raise our kids to learn Spanish, and we'll live happily ever after. But if he never wakes up? Then what? I'd have wasted my time learning Spanish for a man who lived his whole life dead. Or something like that.

My eyes still glued to the clock, I watched as the last minute ticked away, second after second. Sixty more of those later, and Mrs. Gutierrez dismissed our class, at last. I headed straight for the black BMW I know all too well. While waiting for Paul to arrive, I called my mom, telling her about Jesse being in the hospital, and how I'd be back before dinner. She _aw, honeyed_ me and said everything would turn out fine and said good-bye since she was at work preparing for the afternoon news show. Not a second later had I hung up that Cee called me.

"Hey, Cee." She greeted me then scolded me about my bitchiness today. "Yeah, sorry about that. But it really hasn't been my day." Paul showed up, nodded a hello, and I settled into the car, not having heard a thing Cee Cee said. "Um, hey, listen I got to go. I'm going to the hospital, Jesse's in a come, explaining my bitchiness. I'll call you when I get home ok?" She was totally understanding about it and hung up.

Two texts then came in to my inbox, one from Adam, the other from Brad.

Adam: Suze? Hey Cee just told me about Jesse. I'm sorry, k. If you wanna talk later, just call me. Maybe we can meet at the Coffee Clutch later. C Ya.

Brad: Where the hell are you? I'm leaving w/out you. Get your own damn ride.

Exasperated, I groaned. Why the hell did I want one of theses damn things in the first place? They're so annoying.

"Bad day, eh?" Paul asked a cheesy comforting smile on his face.

"That obvious? C'mon, let's just go to the hospital, I'm sure Jesse would like to see you too, his best friend and all." It's weird how their relationship ended up working out. When Jesse was a ghost, they couldn't be in the same room, not they're always together if I'm not with either of them. Paul's become less of an ass with Jesse's good influences, and Jesse's been introduced to life in the 21st century via Paul. They've both taught each other things that make them better people.

_I don't know why, but my hand took a hold of Suze's. I wasn't doing it so I could feel the softness of her skin against mine, but more in a comforting gesture, to tell her I'd be there for her. _

"_We're the only people he's got, Suze. Me, you, and Father Dominic." It's kind of sad really. The poor guy's got no one in his life, no one but the three of us. It must be tough for him; having come from a big tight-knit family and watching them all die, never having said good-bye to them._

_As much as I hate my own family, at least they're there for me still._

Paul's right, Jesse's got no one in his life that matters to him, no one but me, Paul, And Father D. It breaks my heart that such a good man is condemned to such a life. He's told me on a thousand accounts that he's happy to be alive again. He's finally studying to be a doctor, and best of all, he's alive. That and he's got me. But is all that enough to make him happy? Without his mother, father, his sisters-who he's told me loved more than anything else.

The ride to the hospital took a strain of silence, with no conversation between me and Paul, and the radio was off. The only sound being the wind coming in through the windows and car rolling over the pavement. Not five minutes later did we pull into the hospital parking lot and headed towards the receptionist, asking for Jesse de Silva.

Reaching room 405, I was nervous. Would I like the sight that lie before me? A limp Jesse resting on a hospital bed like that night we brought him back?

"_I'll give you ten minutes alone with him, Suze. Then I'll come in." Suze responded by entering the room, somewhat hesitantly, and he head bowed down. _

**I can't feel a thing. I'm stuck in a place, pitch black, reminding me of the terrible Shadowland I was once taken too. Only, where I'm at there isn't an endless corridor of doors, or an impenetrable fog. I try looking down to try and catch a glimpse of myself in the engulfing darkness, but I'm stiff being pushed forward through darkness by an unseen gentle force. **

**The whole time I've been here, I've heard distant sounds, voices. The last I remember I was on my way to class, then the darkness took over. I wish I could see mi querida, but that will not be happening soon. I'm stuck in this darkness. **

**I just wish I could tell her I love her, if I won't ever see her again. **

**I think I'm dead, again. Irony of ironies. This is what it felt like for a second before I found myself hovering over my body. Only this time, the feeling has been prolonged, but I don't know how much time has really passed. This feeling could only be a second long for all I know. **

**All I do know, however is that when I died the first time, I wasn't surrounded by this darkness for nearly as long. **

**_Querida, si puedes oírme, quiero que sepas que te amo, con todo mi corazón, no me dejes, querida. I love you to much, please, don't leave me. If you're even here at all. _**

**I know you're here. I can feel you, and hear you, though you sound a million miles away. I love you. That's all you need to know, querida.**

888

To apotterlover, myfirst and only reviewer, I'm notcompletely sure if I want to kill Jessequite yet, but by the things are going, I'm guessin yes. That's kinda spoilerish, but yeah,thats how I want my story to go.I'm thinkin this is gonna be more P/S

Chapter 3 will probably be up by the end of the weekend, if not Monday at the latest.


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, this will be chapter 3 of my first ever fan fic. I said on my last chapter that I would update monday, so here you are! I was feeling completely uninspired for this chapter, but i just wanted an in between chpter beteen the last and next one, so i threw this one in. after very many alterations, chapter 3 finally came to be. I am mostly and completely satisfied with this chapter. i did one half of it on friday, and all day long i've been working on this one, whenever something good popped into my head. So excuse the crappiness of this chapter, but its as good as it'll probably get.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Suze, or Jesse (sigh), or Paul (double sigh) or any other characters you might recognize. I do however own the plot (i think) so yay for me!

Read and review please! I'd like some feedback! Thanks to apotterlover and Mrs. Nikki Slater for reading and reviewing! I hope you enjoy this chapter and the others to come.

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If I'd thought that first day I went to visit Jesse was hard, I had no idea how much harder it'd get. Days and days went by, then eventually weeks, and still, no sign if him quite waking up yet. I made sure I'd go on minimum three times a week, since I couldn't drive myself, well I could, but Brad always had the car, so I couldn't really go.

I'd been so excited about our date that Saturday, longing for it since he invited me, then the next day, what do you know? He's landed himself in a coma. I think I was most miserable that day, no, it was the day Paul and I'd brought him back through time. That was my most miserable day.

Paul was really sweet that day to me. He bought me one of those humongous teddy bears that are like half your size and white orchids. He spent the whole day listening to me mope, holding me tightly when I couldn't stop sobbing. My birthday and winter formal came and went, but I was too depressed to celebrate either.

One week ago, I turned 18. I had been longing for that birthday my whole life, even more so once Jesse fully came into my life. But I couldn't bring myself to celebrate, despite my mother's attempts, and Cee's, and Paul's, and anyone really who tried to cheer me up. Even Brad's been nicer to me. Shocker. He even bought me an ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery, anyway way I wanted it.

No one understands my pain, and I suppose they never will. What Jesse and I have is far beyond love. It's unexplainable. Our relationship was fated to be together. _One true love that will last forever _Madame Zara (A/N: That's her name right? And what she said? Can't remember exactly) had said. I'd thought that that had meant that Jesse would remain a ghost forever and would always be there for me. But I soon found out otherwise he was going to live with me until the end of time, then we'd die together and if we came back as ghosts, we'd be together then still.

Paul's told me a million times I'm a walking zombie. And in a way, he's right. About two weeks into Jesse's coma, I finally accepted the truth. I stopped crying. I stopped sobbing. I am unable to convey any emotion anymore. My smile has been wiped off my face permanently; my laughter is stifled within me. The only thing keeping me alive is the thumping of my heart. I barely eat, exercise, sleep. Nothing, I really am a walking zombie.

Now, a month later, I still am in the same state of no emotion. Jesse's been out of it for the last month and two weeks. I turned 18 a month ago. I still go to school, but very much against my will. Father D's worried too. He says he prays for me and Jesse each night, but whatever belief I once held for prayer and God was eliminated the day the greater forces made Jesse fall into a coma. In this past year, I started believing in God, I finally had a reason too: Jesse. But without him, there's no reason to believe, it just goes to further prove that if there is indeed a God he doesn't give shit about me, therefore, he doesn't exist to me. It's easier that way instead of putting all your hopes in God.

So a zombie I will be. A living, walking, breathing zombie devoured completely by depression and hopelessness. Having nothing but to wallow in my misery, I am very sure I will spend my Christmas break sleeping and never leaving the refuge of my bedroom. Maybe Jesse will appear once more at my window seat sometime in the next three weeks and I'll at least be able to talk with him-even if he is a ghost. Anything would be better than nothing.

_It has been a month and a half and de Silva's still in a coma. Naturally, Suze hasn't quite been Suze since then. I don't think I can remember a time that she's smiled or laughed or shown any emotion for the last month and a half. The girl is consumed by this tangible grief. Everywhere she goes, it follows her. Her doom and gloom spreads to those within a five radius of her. Or maybe it's just me. Not being able to stand the way she's become so lifeless this past month. _

_So yeah, it's depressing seeing de Silva sprawled so helplessly across the hospital bed untouched and unmoved. It's weird, there was once a time I'd of given anything for something similar to happen to de Silva, that way Suze would no longer be convinced that they belonged together and she'd be with me. But now that I've gotten to know de Silva _and_ Suze, it's just plain out weird. _

_In way, de Silva is the only true friend I ever had, him and Suze. De Silva got over his hate for me for Suze's sake and in the end befriended me. If that would have been me, I would just make nice, not bothering to befriend what once was my sworn enemy. So Jesse's been really cool to me, he's changed me. I'm not that obnoxious arrogant rich kid I was a year ago. And Suze notices it too, which makes it all so much more worth it. _

_I think I'm the only one who can relate to what Suze is going through the most. Jesse, to me is my best friend, to her it's the love of her life. We, along with Father Dominic are the only ones who know exactly what Jesse has gone through, so it makes it easier for me to understand her wallowing. Only, I never did realize she loved him _that_ much. _

**The nothingness is consuming me. Inch by inch, I can feel my life being torn from me the longer I stay surrounded by this darkness. I do not know how long it has been, but I just wish it would end. The last time I felt this, I died. Now, here I am feeling the very exact feeling 154 years later. Just please, someone get me out! **

_**Querida, if you can hear me, take me away from this place. I'd much rather die a thousand deaths if it means I can at least see you again. Te quiero, querida. Get me out of this nothingness. **_

**I know you're there querida, I can feel you. I don't how to explain it, but suddenly I can your muffled voice, sometimes sobbing in the distance. I can feel your hands on my body, only I can not see a thing, and I certainly can not see you. The only thing I have to go with is the memory of you and your beautiful face. Memories, this is all I have. Memories of you: the only thing that keeps me sane. **

I'm pathetic, I know. I spend every possible moment at the hospital, and when I'm not at the hospital, I stay in my room devoid of all human interaction, staring out my window from my very own window seat, Jesse's spot.

So you can imagine why mom might be a little peeved with me. It may be her mood swings, or the fact that for once, I actually have friends and I refuse to see them. But I can't muster an inch of happiness, not even for my mother's sake. I feel much better drowning in my misery. The misery I have grown accustomed to without Jesse.

I never pay any attention to what goes on inside that room when I'm with Jesse. There's a woman in Jesse's room as well. But with the curtain pulled across, I never know what's going on over in that half of the room. I let myself get sucked in to sweet memories of Jesse and scenarios in which he'll at last wake up. So, excuse me for not noticing the guy talking to me. Excuse me for thinking that Jesse had finally woken up. "You're in here a lot." The voice said, no doubt masculine, and smooth.

My head perked up in hope, my eyes tearing. I longingly waited for a reaction from Jesse. A flutter of his eyes, a curve of his lips, anything to signal life. I waited and waited but no such thing happened. "You're in here a lot," the voice repeated, and with my eyes staring at him intensely, I knew he hadn't spoken. Great, now I'm going crazy. Perfect, just perfect.

Ahem. I turned around at last, and realized, that I indeed was not going crazy, and saw a boy hovering over me, behind the chair I'd dragged to Jesse's side. "Jesus Christ! I thought… I-I'm sorry…. It's just…"

"It's okay," the boy smiled, looking down on me. I stood, so we'd be more level, but h hovered over me still. At about the same height Jesse would hover over me.

"I'd thought he'd woken up," my eyes began tearing, something I absolutely, even more so in the presence of strangers. I stifled the urge to cry, no way was I going to cry in front of him.

"Like I said already, you're here a lot." I nodded dumbly. I hadn't ever really noticed him, except for a couple times when I came or left. But I never really paid attention to him. "Would you like to go grab a coffee or something?" I nodded dumbly… again. "Great, let me just grab my coat." I nodded… dumbly… again. Suze, stop it! Can I take this moment to say that he's cute? Like really, really cute. Not hot, but he's way cute. His cuteness makes him cuter than hot… does that even make sense?

I followed him to the hospital cafeteria. When we finally arrived, he finally broke the silence that had engulfed us on the way down. "So, um, like, what's your name?" His hand shot up behind his head, where he rubbed his hair, revealing some nice arm muscles.

"Su- Suuuze," I slurred my name a little, still shocked that I someone had interrupted my Jesse time. "Wh-what's yours?" I finally choked out.

He smiled, revealing a perfect set of white teeth. Can I be any more demented? My one year-boyfriend, whom I happen to love very much is upstairs lying unconscious, and I can't keep my cool around this guy who brings me down for coffee? "I'm Chris, or Alex. I don't really like being called Chris, but, whatever you like is fine."

"Um, Chris-or, I mean Alex. So, um, Alex, how long had you been trying to get my attention? I wasn't paying attention at all, if my reaction was any indication to this. I was just lost in my memories of Jesse-the guy in the room. And well, I've been waiting and waiting for him to wake up, but he just won't it's been like a month and a half already, and there's no signs yet of him waking up. And now I think I'm just rambling, so I'll shut up now." He laughed at me, a very light-hearted laugh.

"Suuuze," he mocks me too! "I wasn't there very long. I'd just gotten there when I noticed you were in there. I've seen you so much, and I've wanted to talk to you, so I finally sucked it up and approached you."

"Oh." I have barely paid enough attention to notice his presence, yet alone want to talk to him. "So, the woman in the room, is she your mom?"

He nodded, "Yeah. As soon as I found out she was hospitalized, I came out here, to stay with my step-dad." Now I nodded. Have I become some kind of bobble head doll? "That guy, he your brother?"

If he sees any resemblance between me and Jesse, this guy is clearly blind. Jesse and I look nothing alike. At all, so no, we're not related, you dumbass. Get your eyes checked! "No, he's my boyfriend." His smile wiped off his face in that moment. I couldn't help but add, "We've been together for a year. Well, would have, but this coma thing kind of took over him a month prior to."

"That sucks. A lot. You must really love him, though. You're always in there."

"He's got no one else really. He needs someone to be there for him."

"He doesn't get along with his family?"

How much should I tell him, really? "He doesn't have any," that could be taken in many ways and essence the truth, nothing that will reveal he's lived 150 years.

The expression on his face showed sympathy. He rubbed his hand in his hair again, probably getting uncomfortable. "What about you, and your mom?" He doesn't need to know anything more about me and Jesse.

"Well, she's not in a coma. But that's not any better than her actual condition. The doctors diagnosed her with this rare disease, and, well I don't rally know what's going on, but it's weakening her more and more as the days pass. So, as soon as the semester ended, I flew out here to stay for my break here in Carmel."

Turns out Chris/Alex is from Chicago. He's considering transferring to a school here in Carmel. He asked me where I went, but I told him I graduated early, because if he finds out where I'm going, he'll pull a Paul and transfer to the Mission. It'd be just my luck, too, if he did indeed show up at the mission. Not that I'd mind being graced by his cute presence and all. But being the dedicated girlfriend I am, I will allow myself to think nothing else of him, other than that he is in fact very cute.

His initial shock to the California brightness and warmth was quite funny to hear about, having gone through the same thing two years ago. At least I'm not a total loser, entranced by the great Pacific Ocean, and dumbfounded by the sight of palm trees everywhere you look.

Finishing up my coffee, I told him I had to go. Total lie, but I know that if I stay, he'll totally stay at the hospital all day with me. I took out my cell and dialed Paul, asking him if he could pick me up.

"Paul, can you come pick me up now?" I asked into the phone. He said he'd be here in a couple minutes. Chris/Alex followed me out to the parking lot, saying he wanted to wait with me.

Not having anything to discuss, and hating the silence, I asked him the next thing that occurred to me, "Why are you called Chris, or Alex?" Lame, I know.

"My whole name is Christian Alexander Rydell Parsons, but that's too lengthy, so my friends all call me Chris, while my family refers to me as Alex. I've never liked the name Chris, but my friends call me that anyway."

I nodded, "So, which do you prefer I call you by?" Even lamer. Not like I plan befriending the guy.

"Alex. I hate Chris."

"Just like I hate being called Susie, my mom's the only one who gets away with it."

"You don't look like a Susie; it's too cutesy for you." He chuckled.

"Thank god I'm not the only who sees that." I smiled. Finally, after so long going on as a zombie, I smiled. This whole isolating myself was torturing me. I needed to get out with my friends and enjoy life. I can't keep on waiting for Jesse to wake. I'll be there for him if he wakes up, but I really can't let myself go for him. As previous incidents have shown, I'm to willing to do anything for him.

"Suze, would you like to get together sometime later? Show me around great Carmel?" At that moment, Paul pulled up to the curb where we were waiting.

"Simon, get a move on it! We've got something planned for you!" I looked through the window he rolled down, and saw no 'we.'

"We?" At that moment, the back window rolled down, revealing two extremely happy people: Adam and Cee, those have never had a bad day in their lives. "Hey guys!" I turned back to Alex, smiling at him. "Yeah, maybe that'd be nice. We'll set something up when I see you next, k." I turned away and waved at him as Paul pulled out. I'd give the kid a break. It's not like he'd be foolish enough to kiss m, knowing my situation with Jesse.

"Suze, spill. Who was that cutie?" See, I told you he was cute, not hot.

"His mom's the lady who shares the room with Jesse. We had a coffee and talked, that's all. I am 100 percent Jesse's girl and no one else's."

"But, come on, he is totally cute."

"Yeah, he is." Should I take this moment to describe him? Well, his hair is long, and completely spiky, a dark brown color. Darker than Paul's light brown, but lighter than Jesse's black. His eyes are a deep green color, jade green, I would say. His smile is framed by two totally cute dimples on his baby face, minus the fact that his eyebrow is pierced. His leg muscles are very well toned, not shocking since he told me he's a runner. He doesn't seem like the running type, but his legs very much prove him to be. Okay, so he's hot! Who am I kidding?

I feel like I'm being disloyal to Jesse, thinking another guy is hot, when Jesse's stuck in a hospital bed. It's bad enough I have sick twisted fantasies about Paul… wait did I just say that?

"Guys, where are we going?" Once I noticed we were not heading in the direction of my house, I realized Paul had said that 'we' have something planned for me.

"_We're taking you out. Cee Cee's aunt works at this salon where she's agreed to style and color your hair, free of charge. Anyway you like. Then, we're going to the mall, getting you an outfit for Kelly's New Year's party, that, by the way, you are going to. The rest of the day, we'll just hang out. We're sick of your moping Simon, you need a change, and it'll start with this make-over." This had been decided about a week earlier, when Cee Cee came to me, worried about Suze's sate of mind. I whole-heartedly agreed with her, and we started thinking of things we could do to get Suze out and about. Deciding we'd get her to go to the New Year's party, we decided we'd treat her to an outfit and a make-over, which was made all the easier with Cee Cee's aunt working at a beauty salon. Not that Suze needed one, she's gorgeous either way, but we need the old Suze back. I need her back. She needs herself back. _

_Suze groaned deeply, "You guys don't have to do this. Besides, I don't have money to get any new clothes." _

_I'd been ready for that one, so I pulled out my parent's credit card, the one they gave me for" emergencies," this counted as an emergency, in my opinion anyway, so I'd put it on the card, and have Cee and Adam each pay a third later, the set agreement. "We've got you covered Simon. As your friends, this is our treat to you. Merry Christmas." Her arms folded across her chest in defeat. Three against one isn't fair and there's now way she'll change our minds otherwise. We've got our minds set on this._

I caved, okay. Their sympathy make-over thing worked. It worked! For approximately five hours, my mind was devoid of all things Jesse.

My once mid-back length hair was reduced to just an above the shoulder length. And it was highlighted! It was weird, for the first time ever in my life my hair was a different color than my natural shade. Light brown and red highlights streaked through my once all brown hair.

And the dress I got, absolutely gorgeous! About trying on over twenty dresses in five different stores, I found the perfect one. Poor Adam and Paul, having been exposed to the girlie tendencies I try so hard to keep hidden. But they insisted. I found the perfect dress at Dillard's in the winter formal section. I found an emerald green floor length strapless dress that matched my eyes perfectly. With a fitted bodice embroidered with lace and other such things, it shaped my body out well, and the skirt didn't have a ridiculously poofiness to it. It was perfect. I got silver shoes that looked well with the dress and a matching purse.

I'll admit it: I had a good time. For the first time in weeks, I was having fun. Laughing and smiling just like the olden days before Jesse, well, I think you know, so why should I repeat myself?

_Despite having to wait for Suze to try on a million dresses, this whole thing was worth it. It really was. She seemed alive, I guess, for lack of a better term. She's been sulking and moping for so long, that I forgot what a smile looks like on her, the rich sound of her laughter. _

_The dress we got her was perfect, too. All the others, after she modeled them for me and Adam didn't measure up to this one. This was her perfect dress. I'll admit I liked seeing her try on different dresses, the way each one shaped her body differently, letting me see her individual curves differently. _

_She's perfect, just like she and I could be if she got over de Silva. Cold, I know._

888

So maybe winter break wasn't as big a bust as I'd intentioned it too. After going to the mall with Cee, Adam, and Paul that one day, I decided then and there to give up my sulking. Yeah, I still have moments where I can't stop thinking about Jesse, but I haven't really let myself get to the point where I lose myself in sadness. Jesse would understand, really he would.

One last thing, I went out with Alex, too. We had a great time, and I think I might like him. But, I clearly told him that I couldn't do anything, not while Jesse's still in the picture. He understood, and told me that, yeah, he likes me, but he wouldn't want anything to happen if I'm not ready for it. Oh, and he's also transferring to the Mission. Just my luck, right? I told him that I really didn't graduate and indeed still go there, this being my senior year. He's a senior too, which'll make it tough for him, but he wants to be here with his mom. He says he doesn't really like his school back in Chicago, for reasons he would not tell me, andlooked forward to ending his high school years in a new city.

Imagine my surprise when I found him mediating a ghost.

888

That's a slight cliffie, but I mean, honestly, you saw it coming didn't you? There'll be more of Alex/Chris, who I at some point just needed to add in the story for no apparent reason. shrug

Well, chapter four will hopefully be added soon. I'm hoping tomorrow, if I work on it hard enough, if not I really don't know when cuz I'll be busy this week. But I'll have it up asap and am working on a new fic, which most likely will be tomorrow, should I wish to pursuit it.

Read and Review

Thanks, Kim


	4. Chapter 4

Well, here's chapter four of Ghost of You.

Once again, I would like to thank my reviewers: apotterlover, Mrs. Nikki Slater, and shawna-xo (btw, shawna-xo, the story will be p/s, I just wanted to throw in Alex into the story because I couldn't think of anything else to write at the time. He's just there to cause some trouble between Paul and Suze)

Disclaimer: As usual, don't own Suze, Paul, Jesse or any other identifiable characters, Meg Cabot does, silly

Read and review, please!

888

Ok, so I wasn't that surprised when I saw Alex helping out a ghost, but it was still kind of shocking. In my two years in California, I've met more mediators than I probably ever will once I leave. Had I discovered Alex talking to a ghost two years earlier, I'd be having a coronary, but now I'm used to the idea of there being other mediators out there. I'm not so alone in this I-see-dead-people thing.

Alex, though, he seemed paralyzed when I caught him, obviously he has never met another mediator before. Maybe we're scarcer towards the east. "Alex, are… are you mediating?" His face froze in shock.

"H- how… h-how di-did you… Can you see them too?" He finally managed to utter.

I nodded, "Yep, you're looking at another fellow mediator." Getting a better look at the ghost he was mediating, I knew immediately who she was. She'd come to me about three weeks ago, but stopped coming when she saw I was not going to do a thing to help her. She showed up again tonight, saying "Be at the beach… never mind," and then just disappeared. She probably thought I would not be here to help, so she left without giving me an explanation. So I came to the beach, hoping I would see her, and I did; only Alex was already helping her.

"I… I thought I was the only one." He answered sheepishly.

Nodding, I replied, "I had that feeling too, back in New York. But, since coming here, I've met three others, four including you, five including Jesse-but he's a long story."

"That's… just, I thought I was the only one." He said disbelievingly.

"Well, you're not. And I believe we have to help Rhoslyn here." He nodded dumbly, returning his attention to Rhoslyn, the ghost who came to the two of us for help, after I'd dejected her about five times, letting my desire to stay curled in bed distract me from doing what I needed to do. Rhoslyn is a nice girl, well was. She'd been a top honors student at RLS, very involved in school activities, and popular. Not mean popular, but popular because she was so nice to every one. Her death is a shame really; her only mistake was getting into the car of her drunken boyfriend, the night of the winter dance at her school. She didn't deserve her death, her boyfriend got by nearly unscathed, a few scratches, but nothing that could endanger his life. Now, about two weeks later, she is still hanging around in her afterlife.

"Rhoslyn, have you figured out what's holding you back," She nodded. The first time I saw her, she didn't know. I guess she figured it out between now and then. "Well, what is it?" Looking around the beach, I tried to figure out what it could be.

"When my friends and I were little, we decided to bury a tin box here at the beach," I knew exactly where this was going, and I did not like it one bit. Looking for a tin box buried in the sand? No way. "We were about nine at the time, and we all put in things that meant a lot to us. We agreed we'd get it back one day, the night of our graduation. We said, no matter what happened we'd all be here no matter what. If we grew apart, or one of us moved away, we agreed that we would unbury it together on that day some how. We're still all friends-they're still friends- and I just need you to remind them that it's okay if they go on and open it without me. I want it to get buried with my casket." Rhoslyn's eyes were gleaming, and I knew she was on the verge of crying.

"Shouldn't you have had your funeral already?"

She nodded, "Yeah, but they'll know what to do. Just tell them about the box."

"What's their name?" I'd completely forgotten Alex was here.

"Marie, Rachel, Lindz, and Andrea. Ask any RLS student, they'll know who they are." With one last pleading look she dematerialized. Feeling thoroughly relieved that I didn't have to search for a box calmed me somewhat. But how could I tell them about it, if they're probably the only ones who know about it?

"Any idea what we can do?" I asked Alex, hoping he'd have an answer.

"Nope." How do you tell four best friends that their dead best friend wants you to dig up some childhood thing of theirs?" See what I have to deal with?

"We go to Father Dom," I thought to myself, not realizing I'd said it aloud.

"Who?" He asked curiously.

"No one, I'll take care of it." School started up again in about three days, so I would ask him then.

"Let's go. It's chilly out here." Alex led me back to my house, refusing to let me walk home alone. Though I enjoyed his company, I wanted to walk alone to clear my mind of some things. We talked the whole way to my driveway, and he seemed disappointed when I told him we reached my house.

I didn't see Alex again for three days. Our meeting had been kind of awkward. He's a good guy and all, but there's something off about him. I know he likes me, and he's told me, so it makes it feel kind of weird. I've never really had a friend who liked me. I have experienced so many new things since moving to California.

My first week of winter, I'd spent all my time at the hospital, half-way through that week, I met Alex, who I made a point of introducing to Carmel, since he is now going to be living here. He would always be at the hospital when I arrived, and we would leave an hour or two later, when I gave enough of my time to Jesse. So I pretty much saw him everyday during the break. The second week came, and my other friends: Paul, Cee, and Adam took me shopping for my New Year's dress, as well as my make-over. New Year's came and went, and I enjoyed the party, where I finally introduced Alex to everyone else. If he's going to be a student at the Mission, he might as well get sucked into the parties and all right? The party was a blast, then two days later, I caught him with Rhoslyn, and now school's starting up again. And Jesse has yet to wake up from a now two month coma. In another two months, I'll be a big sister. In five months, I'll be done with high school. In eight months, I'll be living on my own with Gina back in New York. There's so little time. And it scares me to not know whether Jesse will be a part of that life or not.

"Suze, lookin' good." I turned to see Paul behind me, arms folded across his perfectly muscular chest.

"You're not lookin' to bad yourself, Slater." He smiled at, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, leading me down the hallway. I tried squirming away, but his grasp is inescapable.

Cee Cee and Adam ambled quickly towards me as soon as they laid eyes on me. I noticed something a little off…. They were holding hands! "Suze!" Cee Cee squealed, reluctantly letting go of Adam's hand. "We're together now," she couldn't help but squeal again.

I squealed too, after months of her crushing on him, they are finally together. "Cee, this is great! When did it happen? How? Where? Tell me everything!"

As she begun her long-winded explanation, the intercom went off: "Will Susannah Simon report to the principal's office."

"In trouble already, Simon?" Adam smiled sheepishly, and I remembered back to the first time I met him in the front office.

"I'd be afraid if I were you, Adam, I might break your outstanding detention record. I'll see you guys later, and Cee, you must tell all at lunch!" Trotting away, I reached the front office, not noticing Paul had been following me.

"Why are you following me?" I hissed at him.

_I glared at Suze. Why does she suddenly have these mood swings when I'm around? Just minutes ago, she was kidding with me, now she doesn't want me in her presence?_

"I figure this has to do with shifter stuff, so I'm just as welcome coming." And he pushed his way past me in to Father D's office where Alex waited.

_We shuffled into the office, and there was a kid, probably a junior, slumped in the chair across from the principal's desk. Suze took her regular seat, me standing behind it with my hands on the back rest. Sighing, she leaned forward. I know I've seen that kid somewhere before, only I can't quite place it. _

"Susannah, and Paul. How lovely to see the two of you today." He seemed a bit taken aback that Paul was here too. "I don't recall telling the secretary to call you up as well."

"I figured it might have to do with," he eyed Alex carefully, "With, you know, the stuff Suze and I do after school."

"Ah yes. But, no it doesn't Mr. Slater," I think I forgot to mention to them that Alex is in on the whole-I-can-see-and-speak-to-the-dead thing. "I actually called Susannah because we have a new student, and I believe she already knows him. Is this correct, Susannah?"

I nodded and smiled at Alex. "Yep, hey, Alex. Haven't seen you since-" I might as well say it now, they'll figure it out sooner or later. I noticed Alex's eyes bug a little, "The other night at the beach. Father D, Paul, Alex here is also a fellow mediator," Now his eyes bulged out and he looked away. Poor kid has probably spent his whole life trying to keep this hidden and then I share his secret to two complete strangers. "Alex, don't worry, they're mediators, too. I told you there were more, remember?"

Visibly, he relaxed somewhat, but sat paralyzed, processing the whole there are more mediators thing. "So, you weren't like kidding when you said that?"

"Why would I?"

He shrugged, "To mess with the new kid?" I couldn't help but laugh.

"Ah, well Mr. Parsons, I'll be looking forward to discussing your abilities later. But, you're schedule has been arranged and you will be having all your classes with Susannah, and Paul, so they can lead you to your first class." Father D reached over the desk, handing Alex his schedule.

"Thanks," His voice sounded hesitant, and he took the schedule from Father Dom, stood up in his chair and waited for Paul and me.

"See you, Father D," and exited his cramped office, trailed by Paul and Alex.

"Paul, you remember Alex, right? From Kelly's New Year's party?"

"Yeah, now that you mention it, yeah I do." Sullenly, Alex trudged behind us. Maybe I shouldn't have told Father D and Paul about Alex quite yet.

_We were about five minutes late when we filed into the classroom. I handed Ms. Lender, our homeroom teacher the slip the principal had given Alex. Handing it to Ms. Lender, I stalked off to my seat, calling behind me, "New kid." Moments later, Suze took her place in front of me. Ms. Lender went on to introduce 'Christian.' How you shorten that to Alex, is beyond me. He said he preferred being called 'Alex' when the teacher introduced him and went to find a seat._

_Leaning forward in my seat, I whispered to Suze, "Are you okay?"_

"_What do you think? My boyfriend is still in the hospital, and I actually _enjoyed_ my Christmas break without him. I'm a terrible person."_

"_No," how can she even think that? "No, you're not Suze. You're living your life. If you wait until he wakes up, you might just not experience anything." For a girl so pretty and smart, she sure makes herself seem dumber than she really is._

"_Yes I am, Jesse needs me. And I'm not there for him." She turned back, letting me know that this conversation is over_

888

March fourth. March fourth was the day Jesse's heart monitor flat lined. At some point in time, all hope had been lost that he would ever actually recover from this coma. The doctors never did figure out what might have induced it, and now he's gone. I think, for a long time now, I have simply been waiting for the day in which he would die. I love Jesse; I know I always will, but the fact that I so easily let him get away from me… I don't think I can handle that.

My visits became less frequent, and I know that was simply because I'd lost hope. Maybe, just maybe had I gone to the hospital more, he would still be alive? But again, who am I kidding, my visits have no control over when his heart stops, so I shouldn't guilt myself into thinking it's my fault. It's nobody's fault. It could be mine however. Again, I feel that guilt. If he'd stayed in 1850, where he is meant to be, he _would _have lived a long a happy life once Paul and I rescued him.

He would've gotten to live a long life with his family, with everyone he loved. I know he assured me over and over that he was happy, but I could see the sadness in his eyes. I screwed it all up. The pain I have caused myself is all my fault-if I'd just let things be the way they are, I would not have to be dealing with this. I'd been blinded by my happiness to ever realize this.

I thought the power of love could conquer all, and that Jesse, because I loved him so much, he would get out of this just fine. I thought his eyes would open and he would hold me in his arms until the world ended. Love it's such a foolish concept. People get their lives ruined by it, and I am now another victim to its wrath.

I'd been holding Jesse's hand when the monitor died. I just arrived not a minute ago. As usual, I held his hand in mine immediately arriving, I began to tell him about my day, and everything I have done since the last time I came. I only uttered a few sentences, and then the unsteady jagged lines on the monitor went straight. Moments later, his doctor rushed in, followed by several nurses. My whole world became blank; I don't know what the doctors did. Everything came crashing down at once.

Just like that, I felt like I lost everything. I couldn't allow myself to cry; not yet. I was desperately hoping that this was some kind of cruel joke someone was playing on me.

"Time of death: 4:34 pm, March 4th," the doctor said to the nurse, and that's when I knew this was real. "I'm sorry for your loss, miss." The doctor said to me, leaving the room. Suddenly I remembered who else was in the room. Paul had brought both me and Alex here. Alex came to see his mother, and me to see Jesse. Paul was slumped in the corner in a chair, his eyes fixed on me, waiting for a reaction. I was too numb for anything. Next thing I knew, big strong arms were around me, holding me tightly. My eyes were closed, but they were erupting with tears at last.

_The instant I saw Suze's eyes water, I shot up from the seat I'd been reading my magazine in. In three easy steps, I had reached her and pulled her in tightly to me. I don't think she really noticed, her body rigid, as she shed a thousand tears. Her face was in between my neck and shoulders, moistening my shirt with all her tears. The other guy, the one who follows her around like a puppy-Alex- had his hand on her shoulder. He probably didn't know what to do at all, not that I did, but he doesn't know the history between her and de Silva, why she loves him so much._

_Everything that has gone on between the two of them makes it all the more difficult. That first night in the hospital, Jesse had been revived because his spirit still existed in this time, but not even that is left now. There's no way he'll come back now. He's gone… for good. _

_My hand caressed the back of Suze's head, stroking her soft hair. I muttered some things, trying to calm her down, but to no avail, she is too lost to hear me. "Suze, come on, I'm taking you home," I don't know if she heard me, but I started heading out the hospital room with Suze still entangled in my arms. Alex followed me, since he'd come with us-I don't why: his mother checked out a few weeks ago, he has no need to be here. There's something off about him, something I don't like, but Suze seems to like him, so maybe he can't be that bad… _

_Once we got to my car, Suze, still a blubbering mess went into the back seat, leaving the confines of my arm. I tossed my keys to Alex-not knowing why I actually wanted to let him drive, no one drives my car- because Suze probably needs someone in the backseat or she might drown in her tears. "You drive," and I pulled in next to Suze in the crowded back seat, taking her back into my arms. The car started and we left._

I don't know how, but one minute I was in the hospital, the next, I stood right outside my house, not that I could actually make it out clearly through my tears. Little by little, someone led me to my room and then I was on my bed. I could not bring myself to look at the window seat.

_Immediately arriving, Mrs. Ackerman fled to us, hearing and seeing Suze as soon as we entered. "What happened?" She asked, but before either Alex or I could respond, she was leading Suze up the stairs, whispering to her that it would be alright. A few minutes later, she returned, her face panic-stricken. "What happened?" She repeated. _

"_Jesse," his name came out solemnly, "He passed away this afternoon." Mrs. Ackerman's face fell and her hands went up to her mouth in shock._

"_Oh my…" she said barely above a whisper, and leaned back onto the sofa's armrest. "Is that why she's so upset?" As if it wasn't obvious enough._

_I nodded, "Yes. His heart monitor stopped beeping, and that's when we knew." My eyes, I realized were watery, but I did not allow myself to cry. I don't know what hurts more: The fact that de Silva's dead or Suze's reaction. "We brought her home almost immediately, Mrs. Ackerman." _

"_Why yes, thank you Paul. Thank you, Alex," she nodded, still processing this information. "You boys can go home now, if you want. I'll take care of Susannah from here on out." We nodded and shuffled out the door. I hoped Suze would fine, up in her room. _

**At some point, amidst all the darkness I grew so accustomed too, I found myself back in Susannah's room, on her window seat. My eyes were so unaccustomed to the light, that I did not know where I was, until I finally took a good look. All around me, I saw the same familiar pink that is Susannah's room. More specifically, I noticed that I somehow returned to her window seat. **

**Last of all, I noticed the glow. The glow that I knew to well, one that had been apart of me for over 130 years. The ghostly aura. That's when I knew, the darkness I'd been stuck in, it'd been the point between I was alive and finally died. Only the second time it seemed more prolonged. And no longer was I wearing the white shirt and black pants that I'd worn for those first 130 years, I was in khaki pants and a black Calvin Klein shirt, a gift from Susannah, _mi querida_, and a pair of black dress shoes. **

**I leaned back against the wall behind the window seat, and gazed out at a sight so familiar, so familiar that it was almost mine. I lost myself in the familiar view, the familiar glow reverberating in my body. I stole a glance at Susannah's calendar; the month was set to February: then it dawned on me that I'd been in that darkness since early November, a few nights before I wanted to propose to Susannah. I wonder if she would have said yes. But I know the answer; deep down I know that she would indeed agree to marry me. And that, I am sure is the reason I am still being held back, something concerning the engagement that never happened and never will. I sighed and continued to look out at the ocean in the distance.**

**I don't know how long I looked out the window, but after what must have been forever, Susannah came into her room, sobbing, and led by her mother. Susannah did not once look up at me and she huddled up underneath her covers, crying and crying. _She must know I'm dead_, the thought rang through my head. **

**I stood from the window seat and stood at her bedside, before sitting next to her, and placing my hand on her arm. **

"Querida."

888

That's chapter four! Jesse has come back as a ghost, gasp! What will happen? So sad, Jesse is no longer alive, how suck-y is that? I've been wanting to write the next chapter for so long, I just hope I can make it as good as I've imagined in my head. It'll be just my luck if I can't get anything good, even though I've planned it for so long!

Chapter five will be up sometime by the end of the week!

And I've got another fic posted: Love and Marriage, please check it out, J/S


	5. Chapter 5

Hey, here is chapter five of my story, enjoy!

A thanks to my reviewers, as always: Mrs. Nikki Slater, mandieC, and Allimba

This chapter is about 2 pages shorter than the usual length, but it's still long enough: five pages. I was satisfied with the story at the point I decided to end

Disclaimer: Don't own Suze, Jesse, or Paul :( Wah!

Read and review…..

888

_Querida,_ the word sounded through my mind, echoing and bouncing off the walls of my mind. _Querida…_I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the voice. Even in death, Jesse will always haunt me, his silky voice resounding in my head. My sobs deepened. This was it; this was truly it, finally. Jesse… he's _dead_. I mean, really dead.

For someone who should've meant so little to me, ended up meaning everything to me. He had been a ghost when I first met him, and yet he ended up meaning everything in the world to me then, as he did when he was alive. I think that he possibly meant even more to me when he was a ghost, when he could be there for me no matter anything that happened at all. He would and could always protect me.

When he became alive, he lost that invincibility to protect me. I love him-loved-and he means absolutely everything. He, in a sense defines my life. I don't think much at all about my life before him, and I _cannot _imagine life without him. My life will someday be explained in two ways: My life before Jesse and my life after Jesse. He changed my life, everything I knew, and everything I believed in. He taught me about the power of true love, and the power of near-heartbreak. He will always be my first love, probably my only real love ever, as Madame Zara so kindly put it. Lot she knew, saying that it would last forever. This, to me, does not look like a forever-love.

_Querida_, the word sounded again, and I choked on my tears. That is, before I felt a pressure on my arm, a gentle pressure, equaling in sensitivity to Jesse's soft touch. Even his touch could not escape me.

**Susannah is so lost in her sobs, that she has not noticed me yet. I've called the word _querida_ various times already, the one fail-proof thing that she would respond to no matter what, and yet she hasn't noticed. I'm tugging on her arm, desperately trying to get her attention. I want her to stop sobbing, she doesn't deserve this unhappiness, not because of… _me_. "Querida," I try again, "Please, listen. Stop crying, it's me-Jesse" I added my name, hoping she will finally snap too. Instead, more sobs. "Susannah, _querida_, por favor," I resorted to Spanish, even though she barely understands the word _querida._ "Escúchame, _querida, _aquí estoy, por favor, no llores." **(Listen to me, querida, I'm here, please don't cry)

I think the Spanish going through my head made me finally realize, that it was not my imagination, and that it maybe, possibly was Jesse calling to me. I know that my Spanish I could not possibly teach that much of perfect Spanish. I finally turned to my side, my vision blurry and noticed the softest glow right beside my body. A glow so soft, I could barely see it. But it was there, no mistake in that. The fingers pressing against my side grasped my arm and gently tugged on me, helping to ease me onto my side.

Wiping at my eyes, I got a clear view of Jesse sitting at my bedside, his fingers wrapped around my arm in a way so soft that only he can manage the softness. "Jesse," my voice, not sounding at all like my own, so hoarse called out. "Jesse?"

His other hand rose to me face, grazing my cheek softly. I flinched; his fingers were so cold, not at all warm. Not even the slightest bit of warmth remained. "You're dead," I whispered, the sobs trying to squeeze through my larynx. His head bowed, as if he too was just beginning to realize the sad truth. His fingers stopped grazing my cheek, returning to his lap.

"Jesse I-" He cut my sentence off, placing his finger over my lips.

"Querida, no… I'm just going to make this easy for the two of us." He looked away into the distance, looking out the window. "I know what it is that is holding me back." His voice just above a whisper, laced in seriousness and sadness. I choked, blinking unsuccessfully away at the tears that continued to slip from my eyes.

**I know what I have to do. I will not allow myself to stay any longer on this plane, haunting Susannah. Because if I stay, she too will never move on. What lies ahead of me scares me. I never thought I would face my end, but now it is hanging in the air, just waiting for me to reach out and grasp it, tantalizing me. I took her hand in mine, and she recoiled, shivering, I thought, from the coldness. **

"**Susannah, _querida_, I want you to know, that I love you. I never loved another like I ever loved you, not in all my time, which we both know is quite a lot. Like I already said, I know exactly what it is that is holding me here, in the plane of existence. So I want you to assure me that you will too move on. For your sake, just as much as mine. Once I'm gone, that's, it. You _must_ move on with your life. You still have it, please appreciate it and use it to the best of your advantage. Nothing hurts more than losing it. And it doesn't get any easier the second time around." Her eyes were fixed on me blankly, like she was receiving this information, but not processing it. At some point she had stopped sobbing though her tears still streamed her face. **

I couldn't help but stare at Jesse, here he was, telling me to just move on with my life as soon as he moved on. But what he is saying is absurd, he says it as if it is as easy as tying my shoes or riding a bike. But it isn't: a part of me will never forget Jesse, a part that will always hold on; that will hold me back just a little bit before making final decisions. I can't erase Jesse and the effect he had on me, nor will I be able to fully move on, I just won't.

"Jesse… please, you don't have to do this" I tried, my voice pleading with him. "I don't care about you being a ghost; we can work through it like we did the first time. Please… just please. I don't care about not ever being able to show you to my parents… they already know you." Even as I spoke, I knew I didn't sound convincing. Because I didn't. Sound convincing, I mean. Now that Jesse had been a part of my life, I know I can go back to the way things were. I'd be setting myself up for inevitable heartbreak. And if anything got to tough, then he would make himself move on, taking care of that unfinished business. "I love you" I whispered, giving in to the idea of him moving on.

"**Querida, someday you'll understand, and you'll be grateful for this. So please, promise me, that you'll move on too." I gazed longingly into her eyes. Probably for the last time ever. "Please, promise me this." I could see the heartbrokenness in her eyes. _It is hurting me just as much as it hurting you, querida._**

One lone tear trailed down my cheek, zigzagging into my lip. My tongue brushed at it, licking the saltiness that remained. "I promise," I heard myself saying before even thinking about it. Now I would have to withhold this promise.

"Good," Jesse breathed, releasing a breath, "I don't want you mourning your loss for to long. Move on. It won't make you a bad person." He swept me into his arms, and he held me for what may have been forever. My head huddled into his chest, my ear searching for the steady heartbeat, finding no signs of life left there. His lips, in one last attempt to savor mine, met mine. My lips parted, loving the way his lips felt against mine. After four months, it felt so good to feel his lips reacting against mine. My tongue slid into his mouth, if only for a second for one last taste. _Cadaver breath_, I remembered calling him so long ago, back when id didn't know any better. Finally he withdrew from the kiss, standing up, pulling me with him.

"Good-bye, _querida,_" He whispered into the air. I expected him to fade away at that moment, but he didn't, he held on just a bit longer. "I'm going to go take care of my business," he trailed off. I assumed kissing my one last time was his unfinished business, but apparently not so. "And, tell your sister about me someday," and that's when he dematerialized, a knowing smile playing at his lips. _Goodbye to you, Jesse_, I thought to myself.

**I appeared in Slater's house. He is the only one who can take care of my unfinished business. He was sprawled across his bed, his hands covering his eyes. "Slater," My voice pierced into the silent air. His hands shot up, and his eyes searched his room, getting his bearing. His eyes widened in shock when he saw me.**

"_Jesse?" This is too much. He just died, and he already wants to haunt me?_

_Grief suddenly washed over me. Never once in my whole shifting history had I ever known the spirits who decided to bug the living hell out of me. Never had I really bothered with mediating them either. One of two things happened: I shifted the ghost to Shadowland and left him or her there, or I just let them find someone else. Now, the ghost of my best friend stood right before my eyes. For a second, I felt an animosity towards him, as if the fact that he was a ghost again changed the fact I'd gotten to know him in the last year, when he had not been a ghost. God… this shifter crap **complicates**_ _things. My anger ceased, and I remembered this was Jesse, my friend._

"_Jesse?" I asked again, just to clarify._

"_Yes, Paul. It's me, Jesse. Listen, I want you to take care of something for me…" he trailed off, waiting for my response. He probably felt that same instant hate when he saw me again, his perspective as a ghost now. I nodded, allowing him to continue. _

"_Yeah, whatever man. You know I'll do it for you. Consider yourself a lucky one, de Silva. Any other ghost I'd send a packing, but I'm willing to make the exception for you." I smiled at him, despite the circumstances._

**_Good_, I thought. Paul really is the only who can do this for me, though it involves Susannah directly. "Paul," I sighed. "As you know, that weekend I was going to propose to Susannah, but all this happened." He nodded again, waiting for me to continue. "Well, the ring, it meant everything to me. I carried it with me everywhere I went. I just want you to get it back, hold on to it… for me. It's in my coat jacket, you know the Adidas track jacket? The blue one? Well, get the ring from it…" I trailed off again, formulating my words in my head before speaking again.**

_I don't know what de Silva was getting at. I got the part about the ring, but what about it? He was stalling a lot. Yet, I listened. He would do the same thing for me. _

"_I want you to get the ring, and keep it. Just… don't ever use it…I want you to give it to Susannah, someday, when you think she's ready. I want you to take care of her. Don't let anything happen to her, please. When you give it to her, please make sure it won't interfere with her marriage. Tell her it's from me, and how much she meant to me. Please…I know, it is a lot to ask of you, but… I just need this done. If you agree, just like that. I'll move on. I want you to promise me." I think he was done now, I waited a bit longer before finally nodding. _

"_Don't worry, Jesse. I'll do it. It'll be tough, but I'll do it." I expected at that moment for him to disappear, but he didn't. Instead, he waited, expectantly. "I promise." He smiled at me then started fading._

"_Thank you, Paul. So much. Bye…" his voice disappeared, an echo left behind in my empty room. His whole body had faded when he said 'much' and the bye was nothing more than an echo left behind._

_Then it hit me, Jesse's gone. Rico, de Silva, Héctor. He was gone. "Good bye, Jesse. I'll miss ya, bud." I called into the air, even though he wouldn't hear me. Not anymore. If there is such a thing as heaven and hell, I can only wish he is heaven, where he belongs, hopefully reuniting with his family. _

_I grabbed my car keys off my desk, and set off for de Silva's apartment, where I knew his jacket would be. Probably still hanging on the back of his dining room chair, where he always left it. It will be weird to walk into his apartment to not find him there. Ever again. _

I shed silent tears after Jesse left. His words still rang over and over in my head. He said he was going to take care of his business, and he said bye. His parting words. There are so many things now that I would do differently, but it is too late, he is gone. I don't know how I'd missed this… but he had said to tell my sister about him someday? What could it mean? No one knew the gender of my mother's baby, and how would he know the due date? March 16th, that's when my mom's due. Those were his parting words?

At that moment, a shriek snapped me out of m reverie. My head jerked up from its position in my hands. It was my mom. I ran out the room, down the stairs to my mother. All I saw was commotion and chaos. And a puddle underneath my mother. Andy scurried around, grabbing my mother's bag from the closet for when the baby came. My baby sister is going to be born today; I smiled to myself, remembering Jesse's words.

888

Well, that's it. Suze is having a sister and…. Gasp! Jesse is no more… :( :( :( Please, don't kill me… I'm already crying enough as it is

Chapter six will be up sometime soon


	6. Chapter 6

Well, here is chapter six of Ghost of you. I might wrap this story up soon, I'm just not liking it anymore. I'll probably give it about three more chapters. Since I began, I've known exactly what I want my last chapter to be, so I'll just throw in 2-3 more chapters to get there. I'm going to be busy now that school started, and I really don't want to be committed to a story I'm not really liking. So now, here is chapter six. I hope you like it… I wasn't too satisfied with it… but I hope those who read it will be.

As usual, thanks to my reviewers: Mrs. Nikki Slater and Allimba

Disclaimer: The fabulo Meg C owns Jesse S., Suze S., and Paul S.

-888-

I don't know what happened today. I am too emotionally exhausted to even begin to comprehend what has happened. Today, one life ended, and another began. My boyfriend died today, and as his final words, he said to tell my baby sister about him; but somehow, I think she'll know. About him, I mean. Rhianna Lee Ackerman was born on a day that would have otherwise been probably the worst ever in my life. On March 4th at 11:46 pm, that's when she was born. It's got to be some kind of sign, when someone you will love dearly is born the same day another you loved dies. Whether it's good or bad, I don't know.

How does one deal with the death of their soul mate and the birth of a new sister? All on the same day, too?

A part of me is breaking inside; the other is dancing with joy. My heart is split in two. I lost my boyfriend, but I also finally got a baby sister like I always wanted. My emotions are all swirling around, confusing me more and more as they add up.

Hurt.

Sorrow.

Joy.

Guilt.

Hope.

Love.

Just to name a few. Hurt, that I will never see Jesse. Sorrow, again because of Jesse. Joy, because my baby sister was born. Guilt, because I'm happy that I gained a sister but lost my boyfriend. Hope, for my future, and my sister's as well. And love, because I already love my sister and I don't even know here yet, and love, most of all, for Jesse; Jesse, who could have stayed here for me, but instead decided to move on for me and himself. He moved on for the both of us, so that way I can too move on with my life someday.

"Susannah," a gently hand shook my shoulder, calling my name. "Suze, sweetie… wake up." My eyes groggily lifted and I saw Andy hovering over me, beaming like mad.

"Huhm…" I groaned, trying to collect myself.

"You're mother wants to see you now. With the baby." He helped me get to my feet and he led me into the room where my mom was at. Once we reached the room, he went back to the waiting room with the boys.

"Susie, sweetie?" My mom's voice rang through the otherwise quite and sterile hospital room.

"Yeah, mom?" My voice was dull. I'd cried so much, for obvious reasons, and was barely recovering. My nose, I could see was still red, and my eyes felt too puffy, every blink a struggle.

"How are you, hon?" I'd reached my mother's bed, and I saw that in her arms was a light pink blanket with the tiniest of heads popping out from within it. She looked so small, so vulnerable. So red. Rhianna, I mean, my sister. My shoulders hunched. I really don't know how I feel. My mother took this as a sign to continue, and she did. "I know today has been kind of tough on you, but something good came out from all of it, right?" I nodded, my eyes transfixed on the pink bundle in her arms. "Suze, sweetie, I know you loved Jesse, and this is all very hard on you, but you've been strong, you've been brave. Those are the qualities that make you my daughter," I was half listening to her. My attention was completely on my sister, I couldn't focus on anything else. "Qualities that I hope you can pass on to your sister, Suze. I know you'll make a great older sister. So," she continued, rearranging her arms and then extending them with baby in tow towards me, "Susie," her eyes, I finally noticed were glistening, "this is your baby sister, Rhianna." I took her in my arms, held her closely to me, ecstatic that I finally had a sister. Even if she was born two weeks early, she was perfect. Her tiny little fingers poked out beneath the blanket curled in a way, and her eyes were shut, and she was just the most perfect little thing that has ever happened.

I sat on the edge of my mother's bed, leaning back on her pillow, her arm around my shoulder and little Rhianna in my arms. "Hey there, you. I'm Suze, you're older sister. You may not know what that means yet, but you will someday, and I will love you so very much ok," I cooed at her holding her tiny hand with one of my fingers, "Rhia," I finished, liking the shortened version of her name.

-888-

I didn't go to school the next day after Rhia was born. I was too exhausted, to overwhelmed. I couldn't muster up a single ounce of energy in the morning to even drag myself out of bed, yet alone get ready and deal with being in class all day. Andy called me in sick and made all my step-brothers go to class without me after Brad ruthlessly slapped my face to try and wake me. Honestly, I don't even remember getting slapped by Brad in the morning, Andy told me this when I finally woke around eleven or so. He waited for me to wake up, and then headed off to the hospital since my mom had to stay in over night. He invited me, of course, but I was still too tired to move.

The next day, my mom offered to let me stay, but I thought it over this time. Chances are, the baby would be crying all day and somehow school seems just that more tolerable than being stuck hearing a baby's shrill. Besides, I really, really needed to see Father D.

The old priest was situated behind his desk, taking care of a phone call when I walked in. His head perked up and he smiled at me sympathetically. Covering the receiver he greeted me, "Hello, Susannah. I'll be with you in just a second." I nodded, situating myself at my usual chair. A minute or two later, he finally hung up and turned his attention to me. "Susannah," he stated simply, "I don't know whether to send you my congratulations or my condolences." I shrugged, I didn't know what either. "Anyway, I was concerned about you when you didn't show up yesterday."

"I'm fine, Father D, well as fine as I can be. Yeah, I'm sad, but I'm also happy. It's weird. I thought losing Jesse would be the end of my life, but it isn't so bad. I miss him, but I think I was expecting it, so now I'm just dealing with getting used to not having him. I was just exhausted yesterday, apparently, my step-brother slapped me multiple times to try and wake me, but I didn't even feel it. So, really, I appreciate your concern, but I'll be fine," And you know what, I really did think I'd be fine. Life's works in mysterious ways, and I'm ready to handle whatever comes… Wow, when did I become optimistic?

"Well, that's good to hear, Susannah." He smiled at me, one of those caring smiles that only he can pull off. "Anyway, I was speaking with the funeral home when you walked in. I will be conducting the funeral service, given as Jesse was a well respected pupil in my eyes, and he deserves to rest in peace at last. They also asked me to contact his family and friends." At the word family, my eyes stung a little, my nose itched. Jesse doesn't have any family… I looked down… Jesse doesn't have family.

"He doesn't have any family," I mumbled, not looking at Father D.

"Well, yes, I know that, Susannah. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But please, Susannah, let me continue," I looked up at him, feeling the wetness in my eyes. I wasn't quite crying, but y eyes were tearing, putting me on the verge of crying, "Once I told them about his situation, they told me to tell the one person who meant the most to him-you-to prepare a speech about what he meant to that person and how he affected those around him and such. You will do it of course?" I nodded, how could I not?

"Of course, how could I not?" I said, ushering my thoughts. "Father Dominic… Jesse came to me…" his eyes bugged a little as I he hadn't expected this. "He told me he knew exactly what it was holding him back, but he decided to move on, knowing it wouldn't be fair for either of us if he stayed here, and then he left, to take care of his business. I don't know what it exactly it is that he had unfinished, but about ten minutes or so later, my mom's water broke, and I knew that at that moment, he finally moved on. I just knew. I can't help but feel that my sister is somehow Jesse reincarnated," I chuckled lightly, thinking the ridiculousness of it. A lone tear made a trail down my cheek.

"Susannah, I can understand why you would think that, but where ever Jesse has gone too, we can only hope for the best. He could be in heaven right now, at last reuniting with his family or looking down on you." He stood from his chair and came around to my side, placing one gentle hand on my shoulder. "Now, you should get to class. You're already late." Writing out a pass for me, he let me leave his office.

_I haven't seen Suze since I dropped her off at her house the other day. She was miserable when I left her at home. And since Jesse came, I can't stop thinking about either of them. My thoughts keep jumping between the two. The whole thing where Jesse came to me for the unfinished business, the sight of Suze when his monitor flat lined. There's just no escaping these thoughts. I was shocked when she showed to class today; I thought she would still be drowning out her sorrows in bed. Cee Cee and Adam told me they both tried calling her, but she didn't answer, I tried calling, no answer, and so did Alex, who got no answer either. _

_All day I she didn't even say anything to me, and she still hasn't. Its lunch now and she normally comes over to my table and tries to convince to eat lunch with her. Every day, I reject her offer, but I kind of wish she'd come and ask me today, because I want to talk with her, see how she's doing. I've tried talking with her in class, but every response is a mumble and I never understand anything. I got de Silva's ring… but when will she be ready? I stuck my hand in my pocket, where inside lay the little velvety box. The ring de Silva got her is extremely beautiful. It's a platinum band with a small heart-shaped diamond-about half a carat-with two smaller emeralds surrounding it, the color as deep as her eyes, and an inscription on the band: "Para mi querida. Siempre" The ring must have cost Jesse quite a lot, but now I have to give it to Suze. Only I'm afraid of what she'll say or do. How she'll react. It probably would be a bit odd if is showed up with her ex-dead boyfriend's engagement ring. Thank god that she too is a mediator-that'll make the explanation so much less weird. _

_From her lunch table, Suze looked up, scanning the courtyard, when her eyes finally locked on me she had the saddest expression in her eyes. She tried smiling, but I could see beyond the façade. I know she's breaking on the inside. I tried smiling back, but I too felt forced. _

When I sat down at the table with Cee and the others, my eyes instinctively scanned the courtyard, in search of Paul. I smiled at him. He smiled back, only it looked forced, did my smile look like that? It felt like it. My eyes averted after the fake-smile, I can't talk with Paul today. I know that if I start talking with him, I'll break down and start crying non-stop. He is possibly the only one who understands how special Jesse is. Father D, while trying to help, doesn't really understand. How can he? The guy gave up on love after he took his vows to become a priest. He can never understand. But Paul-he hasn't given up on love, not that I'm aware of it anyway-he knows the whole situation between Jesse and I. Not Cee Cee. Not Adam. Not Alex. Yeah, he's in on the whole mediator thing, but I can't tell him the whole truth about Jesse. He's asked how we met, but I've made up lies, it's too personal. As if telling him will somehow draw him closer to me or something. And I'm not ready to get close to anyone right now. I like him, and he likes me, but that's as far as it'll go. I'm not ready for another boyfriend. He knows this, I made it clear early on in our relationship… and he'd have to be pretty screwed up to try anything so soon after Jesse's death. It'll take months before I'm ever ready, for my shattered heart to heal. How long, who knows? But when it finally does heal, then I'll move on, just like Jesse asked. I'll move on; if not for myself then for him. Solely him.

-888-

I really thought that losing Jesse would be the end of me. The end of everything that I knew. But it wasn't. The end, I mean. I've gotten by. I realized the day of his funeral that everything, would actually be fine.

His funeral service was held on the Sunday at the end of the week, following his death. I don't know why, but I had expected one of his family members to show up-as a ghost-but, of course that was silly thinking. My family all went, except my mom who apologized about a million times because she couldn't go with Rhianna and all. Paul showed up, Cee and Adam, Alex-I don't know why, probably to support me-several of Jesse's co-workers about four or five, and some people who were pre-med with him. There was also the little old lady from next door, such a sweet little old lady who had no one left in her life. Jesse would always help her with groceries and such-that was just the type of person he was, willing to lend a hand whenever it was needed. In total there were about 20, 30 people gathered, all there to mourn for their loss. Mine, I think being the greatest-not that Jesse wasn't special to these other people; he was just particularly special to me and none of them had the bond we did. None of them.

So maybe that thought's a bit selfish, but its true… isn't it?

I remember silent tears streaming from my face. Sometime in the past week, I'd held back those shattering sobs. When I cried, it was strictly limited to tearing of the eyes. I hate crying in general, so I at least made it less noticeable. If I'm not sobbing, then no one will know of my troubles. I won't get those sympathetic smiles. None of it.

As the funeral went on, I remember that my head was bowed in the direction of Jesse's coffin. I never looked to see his actual body-the casket being half open. I knew for sure that I would not be able to handle seeing him lying there… lifeless. I knew a lifeless Jesse once and it was too painful then, why would it be different this time? I didn't hear a word Father Dominic uttered. Occasionally, I would catch parts of a sentence, but never the whole sentence itself… _a great man…touched our hearts… meant a lot…heavens above…God's child…_ and so it went. I didn't even notice Paul's strong arms wrapped around me until long after the service was over. After everyone had cleared, I'd stayed for about another hour or so, thinking about Jesse and the last time I saw him, as a ghost. His chin had been resting on my shoulder and his arms held me protectively, drawn in so close to his body. But distracted by thoughts of Jesse, I couldn't muster any energy to care, so I let him keep his arms there until I was ready to leave.

At some point, Father Dominic called me to talk about Jesse... what he meant to me, to others, those he touched, etc… For days, I'd carefully structured what I would say, writing it neatly on a sheet of paper. But in the end, I ripped the paper, speaking straight from my heart. Jesse deserved to be remembered properly and a carefully ordered speech wasn't going to cut it. I don't remember what I said, but afterwards everyone congratulated me on my speech, and I know it was good. I just can't remember what I said anymore, sadly.

Eventually, I removed Paul's arms from me and headed back to the Land Rover. Paul followed awkwardly, apologized and left too.

It was the car ride home when I realized that losing Jesse didn't mean I'd have to lose myself either. I'd already lost myself a long time ago, when he'd been in a coma, and I wouldn't lose myself again. That it would not be the end of me. I still had my life, like Jesse had said, and I've got to make the most of it.

-888-

Well, that's chapter six for you guys. R&R!


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